Happy Valentine’s Day Soldier

DISCLAIMERThis is a work of fiction and mindless humour. I  love women and have the utmost degree of respect for the womenfolk.

WARNING: However, if you are female, you are better off skipping this one. 

Soldier,

You’ve let me down son and probably haven’t realized it yet. Maybe you didn’t see the signs, or perhaps you were blindfolded by a layer of expensive nonsense called love.

Don’t be puzzled. You know who tied the blindfold. It was you.

You have been fooled. You might deny this now, but you will understand with time. Perhaps after marriage. But by then, it would be too late. Did you not realize the gravity of the consequences of your choices? This was not expected of you after twenty-one years of on-the-job training. Right from elementary school. You were one of the best. I had great promise in you soldier.

You trained in hostile environment. Behind enemy lines. (and now ironically, you are sleeping with the enemy.) Unlike you, some of your brothers weren’t lucky enough to have a co-ed education. They were trained in an all-boys environment. But you, you studied the enemy from a close range. Back in high-school, you showed great passion on the battlefield. I still remember the day, when you teamed up with your fellow soldiers and shouted hate-speeches against the enemy. You pulled their locks, messed up their uniforms, and mocked their however cute, yet silly fascination for glitter pens and stuffed animals. That day, when you squirted ink all over them, from your famous ‘Hero’ and ‘Sheaffer’ pens,  I beamed with pride. My eyes swelled up that day, soldier.

Then, you turned 15. That’s when the changes began. I didn’t read much into it initially. I remember you showing off  the first glimpses of strands of hair below your nostrils. There were changes in the enemy camp too. Definite signs of development. A few years later, they (the other side) had grown prettier and smarter. There they were, opportunistic as ever, trying to distract you with their constant need for assistance in pursuing mundane acts such as carrying school bags, completing assignments and helping them with metal cutting workshop projects. You shouldn’t have helped them. You shouldn’t have let your guard down.

Now, six years later, you write to me, about this girl you are with. You say she is caring, sweet, lovely, innocent and also super hot. You say that she makes you happy and that the both of you are perfect for each other. Thanks to facebook, I see how the two of you keep posting random love (read nauseous) messages on each others profile, despite of sitting ten feet away from each other.  I see there are pictures of the both of you in each-other’s arms, in various photo-shopped backgrounds. Sometimes kissing, sometimes posing and most of the time making, what is advertised to be a heart-shaped sign, but actually resembles the shape of a woman bending over. 

I see that your expenses have increased too. I am unable to fathom how you manage to exhaust your bank account, by the 21st of every month. Perhaps if you stop spending on roses, boxes of ferrero rochers, and gifts from gucci,  for this girl you have written about, you might save enough for your retirement.

Soldier, you were one among my finest. I thought I had trained you well. You shouldn’t have committed the mistakes I made. You have been tricked. I must tell you that the enemy used their finest skills; seduction and their most powerful weapon, Victoria’s Secrets.

Before I end this letter,  and go shopping for a valentine’s gift for my wife, let me warn you about the road that lies ahead.It is not easy and is better avoided. You should decide wisely, unlike your ancestor. Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit and played the greatest move, convincing him that it was a mistake.  It was a game changer. Since then, they have always been the superior race and the fairer sex.  Back in school, you fought them and they called you stupid. Now, you love them. And they, still call you stupid.

Enough has been said soldier. After all this, I shall still wish you a Happy Valentine’s day because of this.

It’s late for me. I haven’t yet booked a table for dinner or prepared a  surprise for my wife this valentine’s day, but you still have time. Make the right choices, and we might still have a chance to prevent world domination.

May the force be with you.

The Captain.

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